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What can IPV look like in 2S/LGBTQ+ relationships?

The 2S/LGBTQ+ community face unique risks due to systemic barriers that queer and trans folks face in society. Homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism contribute to the vulnerability of 2S/LGBTQ+ people to intimate-partner violence through:

• Shame and stigma: sometimes queer and trans people internalize homophobic and/or transphobic beliefs, leading to a lack of self-worth, which can be used to justify intimate-partner violence.
• Increased isolation: Many queer and trans people already experience isolation from their families of origin, community connections, and resources.
• Lack of appropriate support services: The lack of specific support services for 2S/LGBTQ+ survivors of intimate-partner violence can make it difficult to ask for help.

  The risk of Intimate Partner Violence can increase or decrease depending on someone’s privileges or different advantages they may or may not have. For example, a 2S/LGBTQ+ young person who’s already experiencing the impacts of transphobia and/or homophobia may be more vulnerable if they are also a refugee or an immigrant with temporary status. Or if they are living in poverty. Or if they are Indigenous and a survivor of intergenerational colonial violence.

  
  For more information on intimate partner violence, including the cycle of abuse, check out our Intimate Partner Violence Page and Understanding and Responding to Gender-Based Violence.

Non-monogamy versus intimate-partner violence

Non-monogamy refers to any relationship structure where one or more partners agree not to be sexually and/or romantically exclusive to each other. There are many ways to practice non-monogamy, but at its core, ethical non-monogamy requires consent.

Sometimes people misuse the language of non-monogamy as a cover for abusive behaviour, for example, coercing a partner into a relationship style they’re not comfortable with under the threat of abandonment. That can be a type of coercive control common in intimate-partner violence.

Kink versus Intimate-partner violence

For 2S/LGBTQ+ people, kink can provide a safe space for self-expression and a deeper connection with their partners.

Kink is an umbrella term for unconventional sexual practices, fantasies, and identities that are an important aspect of many people’s sexual expression.

Even though kink can involve power exchange, role-play, and exploring painful and difficult experiences, kink is not the same as intimate-partner violence because kink is consensual.

Abuse occurs when someone uses their behavior or influence over another person to cause harm. If you’re being pressured into a kink-related activity, that’s not kink, that’s abuse. If you use your safe word and your partner continues the scene, that’s not kink, that’s abuse. If your partner doesn’t allow you to set boundaries or ignores your requests in pursuit of their own desires, that’s not kink, that’s abuse.

What IPV can look like in 2S/LGBTQ+ relationships

• Threatening to out you to your employer, friends, family members, or community.
• Ridiculing or belittling your gender identity or sexual orientation.
• Keeping you from accessing gender-affirming care.
  • Hiding or throwing away hormones, clothes, prosthetics, or other gender affirming items.
  • Controlling finances to prevent you from accessing gender-affirming care.
• Denying your identity or refusing to recognize your queerness or transness.
• Misgendering you or refusing to use your correct name and/or pronouns.
• Shaming or criticizing your body.
• Suggesting that disclosing the abuse or seeking support would harm the 2S/LGBTQ+ community.
• Using gender stereotypes to put you down, undermine your identity, or excuse abuse (i.e., “real women like this,” “real men are like this,” etc.)
• Being violent due to internalized shame about being attracted to a transgender person or being dumped by a transgender person (especially transwomen and transfeminine people).

Why might it be hard to ask for and receive help?

• Lack of services that are equipped to support 2S/LGBTQ+ people and relationships
  • Gender-based violence resources are usually built with cisgender, heterosexual women in mind.
  • Some transition houses and gender-based violence resources exclude transwomen and transfeminine people from accessing their spaces. There is a lack of resources for nonbinary, transmasculine, and cis male survivors.
• Poor response from the police and other support services
  • Fear of discrimination (e.g. homophobia, transphobia) while seeking support.
  • Fear of not being believed because of heteronormative assumptions of what an abusive relationship looks like.
• Lack of visibility
  • It’s hard to accept that intimate partner violence is happening to you if you’ve only heard about violence in heterosexual relationships.
• Fear of being outed
  • Avoiding asking for help because that may out your identity to family or close people in your life.
• Fear of the impacts on your community
  • Fear of being ostracized from your friend group for reporting on your queer and/or trans partner.
  • Fear that reporting will add to existing negative stereotypes about your community.
  • Fear that your violent partner will end up in jail, where they won’t get the help they need and may experience violence themself.
  • Fear that you’ll lose access to your children because of bias against queer and trans parents.
• Internalized shame
  • Feeling like you have to accept the abuse because nobody else will love you as you are.

How can I get help?

It’s common for people in violent relationships to break up and get back together many times, and it does not mean anyone deserves violence.

Here are some things that may make getting help a little easier:

• Build a safety plan
  • A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan to help avoid or respond to unsafe situations. This can include contact information of safe people to reach out to, the addresses of safe places to go, and a list of things to remember to take with you.
• If living with a violent partner, consider packing a go-bag with important things and keeping it somewhere safe in case you need to leave in a hurry
  • Make sure to include your hormones, binder, make-up, wigs, and other gender-affirming gear. Also, don’t forget copies of documents proving your identity.
• Have money that only you have access to
  • Whether in a savings account or hidden in the house somewhere.
• Keep any evidence of the violence (like a detailed journal, photos, or videos) hidden in a safe place
  • This is especially important if you want to report the violence.
• If you are transgender, keep in mind that you will have fewer to no options for transition houses
  • Transition houses will generally only accept women, and some of them will only accept cisgender women. C
• Clean up your digital trail
  • Make your social media accounts private and refrain from posting your location, especially if you feel your partner may stalk you.
• Bring a trusted person with you when seeking support
• Seek mental health support
  • Surviving intimate partner violence can hurt your sense of self. Good mental health support may help heal the wounds of a violent relationship.

How can I protect myself?

It’s not your fault if you have experienced or are experiencing violence in your intimate relationship. While it can happen to anyone at any time, there are some things you can do to try to protect yourself and deal with these situations:

Build a network of support
Isolation increases risk, so having a strong support network can reduce the chances of experiencing intimate partner violence.
A supportive network can be made up of friends, chosen family, community resources, and trusted service providers like therapists, doctors, and social workers.

Consider the risks of any relationship
Consider how power dynamics can impact your relationships and your ability to consent. Factors like large age gaps and financial inequities can make it harder for you to advocate for your needs in a relationship

Before getting into a relationship, understand what your non-negotiables are.
Being assertive about your wants, needs, and boundaries helps to minimize miscommunication in relationships and can be a protective factor against abuse

Be honest with yourself about red flags early in the relationship

What Can I do if I've caused harm?

If you recognize yourself in the behaviours mentioned earlier, it is worth reflecting on how your actions have impacted the people in your life. Sometimes we do things we regret because we act out of anger without thinking of the consequences or because didn’t have good relationship role models, especially due to a lack of representation of healthy 2S/LGBTQ+ relationships.

It’s important to remember you are not the worst thing you have ever done, and you can always choose to change.

Here are some ways you can be accountable if you have harmed your partner:

• Stop the behaviour
  • The first step to being accountable is stopping the harm. If that does not feel possible, it’s crucial that you remove yourself from the situation before causing more damage.
• Seek support
  • Unfortunately, there are not many specialized voluntary services for folks who commit violence against their partners; however, it is worth talking to a trusted person who can help you understand your behaviour and support you in navigating accountability.
• Listen to the person you’ve harmed
  • Instead of trying to justify your behaviour, try to listen without becoming defensive. If that feels impossible and you notice yourself becoming aggravated, it’s a sign to take a break from the conversation.
• Take responsibility for your actions
  • This looks like acknowledging what happened, agreeing that only you are responsible for the harm and naming what you’ll do to stop that from happening again.
• Understand that your reasons are not excuses
  • Very few people cause harm simply because they enjoy watching others suffer. Our motives for hurting someone are more complex than that, but there is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behaviour.
• Respect the wishes of the person you have harmed
  • You may be ready to apologize and to try to make amends, but it’s important to respect what the person you’ve hurt wants.
• Don’t expect forgiveness from anyone, but try to forgive yourself
  • Nobody has to forgive you for the hurt you caused and being accountable is not about getting forgiveness, but the truth is: you won’t stop hurting other people until you stop hurting yourself.

Relationship green flags

Relationships are not always easy, but you should not experience physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual pain intentionally inflicted by your partner.

Here are some signs that you are in a healthy relationship:

• Being together feels good the majority of the time.
• When conflict arises, you can discuss issues openly without name-calling, blaming, or violence.
• Your partner shows interest in your hobbies, your goals, your interests, and your identities.
• There is no pressure to do any sexual acts you don’t feel comfortable doing.
• You feel comfortable being yourself around them.
• Your partner supports your decisions about your body.
• Your partner may not know all the right words, but they are open to feedback and change their behaviour when needed.
• You feel trust that they won’t share your private information with others.
• Your partner doesn’t use your dysphoria or your insecurities to put you down or control you.