Recognizing that your behavior in a relationship might be problematic is an important first step. Whether your concerns come from your own reflection, feedback from your partner, or the impact you’ve noticed on the relationship, acknowledging the issue can be a great place to start.
The first step toward healing is awareness. As a youth, your opportunity for healing and becoming the person you want to be is very possible.
Violence is four times as likely to be done by men in intimate partner relationships, but women may be violent as well. Twenty percent of violence reported to the RCMP in British Columbia is done by women, to men.
Some of the factors that may contribute to you acting out violently might include having seen violence toward your parent in childhood or being treated violently yourself. You know how that experience felt, and your awareness gives you the opportunity to not pass that pain along to others.
Stresses such as not having enough money, trouble at work or school, family troubles, substance use, etc. can make it harder to feel in control of your behaviour. While these things may make life more difficult, stressors in your life do not make intimate partner violence okay.
Sometimes people like the power of frightening, hurting, and controlling others. It’s great that you recognize genuinely caring for one another is much more rewarding.
Violence is never the right choice in your relationships. It is important to heal and to learn healthier strategies to manage your feelings and behaviour.
Change takes courage and might feel overwhelming.
Listen to Feedback
If your partner has shared concerns with you, try to really listen. It can be uncomfortable, but their perspective is crucial to understanding the full picture. Don’t rush to explain or justify your behavior right away. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is say, “I hear you. I want to understand more.”
Look for Patterns
Ask yourself if these behaviors show up only in this relationship or in others as well — with friends, family, coworkers. Repeated patterns may point to deeper issues like insecurity, control, fear of abandonment, or past trauma that need to be addressed.
Educate Yourself
Learn about healthy communication, emotional regulation, boundaries, and attachment styles. There are countless resources (books, podcasts, therapists, articles) that can help you identify what healthy behavior looks like in relationships.
Communicate With Your Partner
Once you’ve taken time to reflect, share your insights and intentions with your partner. This doesn’t mean giving a long explanation to excuse everything, but expressing something like:
“I’ve been thinking about some of the ways I’ve been acting, and I realize some of it may have hurt you. I’m trying to understand it better and work on it. Can we talk about how this has felt for you?”
This opens the door to honest, respectful dialogue.
Seek Professional Help
If you’re struggling to understand or change your behavior, consider working with a therapist or counselor. Individual therapy can help you uncover root causes, while couples therapy can provide tools to rebuild trust and improve communication.
Make Small, Consistent Changes
Change doesn’t happen overnight. Focus on making small, intentional changes in how you speak, listen, and act. Be open to feedback along the way and show your partner that you’re committed to growth — not just through words, but through your actions.
Be Patient With Yourself and Your Partner
Repairing trust or reshaping behavior takes time. You may slip up, and your partner may need time to believe in the changes you’re making. That’s normal. Keep showing up with humility and a willingness to grow.
Recognizing that your behavior in a relationship might be problematic is an important first step. Whether your concerns come from your own reflection, feedback from your partner, or the impact you’ve noticed on the relationship, acknowledging the issue can be a great place to start.
The first step toward healing is awareness. As a youth, your opportunity for healing and becoming the person you want to be is very possible.
Violence is four times as likely to be done by men in intimate partner relationships, but women may be violent as well. Twenty percent of violence reported to the RCMP in British Columbia is done by women, to men.
Some of the factors that may contribute to you acting out violently might include having seen violence toward your parent in childhood or being treated violently yourself. You know how that experience felt, and your awareness gives you the opportunity to not pass that pain along to others.
Stresses such as not having enough money, trouble at work or school, family troubles, substance use, etc. can make it harder to feel in control of your behaviour. While these things may make life more difficult, stressors in your life do not make intimate partner violence okay.
Sometimes people like the power of frightening, hurting, and controlling others. It’s great that you recognize genuinely caring for one another is much more rewarding.
Violence is never the right choice in your relationships. It is important to heal and to learn healthier strategies to manage your feelings and behaviour.
Change takes courage and might feel overwhelming.
Listen to Feedback
If your partner has shared concerns with you, try to really listen. It can be uncomfortable, but their perspective is crucial to understanding the full picture. Don’t rush to explain or justify your behavior right away. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is say, “I hear you. I want to understand more.”
Look for Patterns
Ask yourself if these behaviors show up only in this relationship or in others as well — with friends, family, coworkers. Repeated patterns may point to deeper issues like insecurity, control, fear of abandonment, or past trauma that need to be addressed.
Educate Yourself
Learn about healthy communication, emotional regulation, boundaries, and attachment styles. There are countless resources (books, podcasts, therapists, articles) that can help you identify what healthy behavior looks like in relationships.
Communicate With Your Partner
Once you’ve taken time to reflect, share your insights and intentions with your partner. This doesn’t mean giving a long explanation to excuse everything, but expressing something like:
“I’ve been thinking about some of the ways I’ve been acting, and I realize some of it may have hurt you. I’m trying to understand it better and work on it. Can we talk about how this has felt for you?”
This opens the door to honest, respectful dialogue.
Seek Professional Help
If you’re struggling to understand or change your behavior, consider working with a therapist or counselor. Individual therapy can help you uncover root causes, while couples therapy can provide tools to rebuild trust and improve communication.
Make Small, Consistent Changes
Change doesn’t happen overnight. Focus on making small, intentional changes in how you speak, listen, and act. Be open to feedback along the way and show your partner that you’re committed to growth — not just through words, but through your actions.
Be Patient With Yourself and Your Partner
Repairing trust or reshaping behavior takes time. You may slip up, and your partner may need time to believe in the changes you’re making. That’s normal. Keep showing up with humility and a willingness to grow.
